Worst improv show in Chicago?

I was in a good mood most of the day on Saturday. I had a great time at the Improvised Shakespeare workshop, saw a great show at ComedySportz at 6:00, and enjoyed Whirled News Tonight at iO at 8:00. Some friends of mine were opening at the 10:00 show at The Playground, so I went to go see them. A good way to round out the day. I had even managed to avoid any unpleasant contact with the mob of pseudo-Irish drunks in Wrigleyville on pre-St. Patrick's Day weekend. What could possibly ruin my night?

Boner Petite.

Yeah, I know. You shouldn't expect much from an improv group named "Boner Petite." In my defense, I had no idea who the headliner group was that night. Plus, I thought I heard "Bon Appetit" when they first introduced themselves. It made more sense when I heard it correctly later.

A few minutes after 10:00 -- the lights come up. Three girls rush the stage decked out in green. I'm watching them enter from stage right as I get pelted in the temple with a bag of popcorn, thrown by the girl on stage left. It made a pretty solid thud on my head, unusual for a bag of popcorn. The girl in stage center then takes a bottle of bubble solution and a wand and starts blowing bubbles into the audience. She spills some of the bubble solution on my knee. One of the girls, acting as emcee, introduces herself by grabbing her crotch and asking the guys in the audience, "Is my **** bigger than yours? Hell, yeah!"

After the worst start to an improv show I've ever endured, the guy sitting next to me hands me the bag of popcorn that had ricocheted off my forehead. He felt like I earned it. I decide to eat it during the opening acts. No butter, no salt, and stone cold. Meh. I figure out later what made the thud against the side of my forehead. A Hershey miniature was embedded inside the bag of popcorn. Guess that made it easier to throw. Kinda like putting a rock inside a snowball.

The first two acts were good, but I was in such a foul mood by that point, that I wasn't really enjoying it like I would have. Then Boner Petite took the stage for their set. They started off by bringing a "random" girl from the audience up on stage and giving her gifts of chocolate, marshmallow Peeps, and a Dixie cup of wine (which she promptly chugged). I had my suspicions early that it was staged. The cast told the audience member that "we've had our eyes on you all night," and the girl pulled back her outer coat and squeezed her chest. Pretty much something that you would expect from a cast member or friend of the cast. Then the following exchange happened:

Cast: "What's something that you love?"
Girl: (pointing at a guy) "Him!"
Cast: "Hey, I know him! He's from Miami!"
Girl: "What do you mean, you know him? Did you sleep with him?"
Cast: "Yeah, I'm a Miami w****!"

Pfft. Might as well have handed out scripts.

The emcee asked for a suggestion, but "only from a girl in the audience." Eh, fine. Then she instructed the audience that "I only want the girls to laugh." I was thisclose to shouting out something smart-alec. As it was, I followed her instructions.

Their opening consisted of the five of them standing in a semi-circle, shouting "What the f***?" ten times in unison, breaking apart and running around the stage, giggling and screaming, then coming back together and shouting "What the f***?" a few more times.

Imagine the worst girlfriend you've ever had. The most vulgar, catty girl you've had the misfortune to date. Then imagine her drunk enough to magnify all her worst qualities. Then imagine that there are five of her. Then imagine that they're trying to do comedy for a paying audience. That's Boner Petite. An oh-so-memorable scene about two girls trying to take "twin s***s" on the floor. Another round of synchronized "What the f***?" screaming. A light pull on "I pissed myself." (A buddy of mine shut off the lights -- in his defense, it was the best he was going to get.)

Several free passes for The Playground were laying on the floor in front of me after the show. I had no interest in picking any of them up.

Listen to this blurb from their website:

"Boner Petite is a 7-member, all-female, long-form improv ensemble composed of some of the hottest and most talented performers in the history of Chicago improv."

Wow. They don't think too much of themselves. I can virtually guarantee that they all went out afterwards together and congratulated themselves on a great show. Not only do they put on bad shows, but they're completely oblivious as to how bad their shows are.

So... yeah. Don't go see them, even if you have a student discount or free pass. If you go to the Chicago Improv Festival in April and see them in the lineup, that's a good time to go get some dinner.

The best thing about this group? It gave me a newfound respect for all the talented female improvisers that I've had the fortune to perform with over the years. So thank you Emily, Sheryl, Jill, Cindy, Beth, Mandy, Katy, Liza, Tiana, and all my female students. You rock.