Bacon is for lovers

So, a friend of mine posted something bacon-related on his Facebook status update (I knew that my love for bacon had gone too far when I was choking on a piece of it earlier today and thought, "this would be an awesome way to go."), and I decided it would be fun to reply with a bacon-related picture. Where does anyone go for a good bacon picture? Why, Google Images, of course.

If you have never done a Google Images search for bacon, do it now. I'll wait.

Okay, welcome back. Let's discuss my favorite images, shall we?

• Massive piles of bacon
• Massive bacon sandwiches
• A briefcase made out of bacon
• Bacon strips adhesive bandages (I actually have a box of these)
• Gummy bacon
• Bacon-flavored toothpicks
• Bacon floss
• The bacon roll-up
• Bacon doughnuts (sure makes the "Police Officer Hat Trick" easier)
• Diet Coke with Bacon (my personal favorite)
• Bacon-wrapped hot dogs
• Bacon martini
• Bacon-wrapped turkey
• A bacon lunch box
• Apple bacon pie
• Bacon chocolate chip cookies
• Bacon tuxedos
• Kevin Bacon (how did he get in there?)
• Bacon ice cream
• Donut bacon cheeseburger
• Bacon turducken
• A bacon assault rifle
• Bacon vodka

... and many more (that was just the first six pages). One image that struck me as odd... the bacon brassiere.

That's what I get for setting my "SafeSearch" to Moderate. Pictures of girls wearing nothing but uncooked pork products. Obviously, this is not a wardrobe choice that would make it into a Victoria's Secret catalogue. Of course, I never let reality stop the train of thought that ran through my head after seeing this.

Women would need to use thick-cut bacon, obviously. Anything less wouldn't provide the proper support. Let's say you were able to cover yourself using one pound of bacon. A complete brassiere would cost you about $2.99 -- maybe less on double coupon Wednesdays, or if you bought the store brand. Of course, you'd have to refrigerate the bra if you wanted to re-use it another day. Still, you figure the amount of times you can re-use it is limited. Still probably more economical to buy cotton.

The real function, of course, is to seduce bacon-loving men. Although a dab of bacon grease behind the ears might excite the pheromones just as effectively, let's say you went the baconssiere method. Sure, this is something that even the most awkward teenage boy would know how to unclasp. Technically, I guess it falls into the category of "edible undergarments." Really, though... raw bacon? I'm not sure how passionate I'd feel if I just gummed my way through a pound of raw bacon. Putting on pre-cooked bacon would be difficult. You'd either have good, crispy bacon that snaps into pieces as you try to put it on, or sad, soggy bacon (the default Waffle House style) that is almost as unappetizing as raw bacon, or you'd have to put it on while it was still sizzling and let it conform to your shape. Or you could lay down on a hot plate, I suppose. Though the agonizing screams would probably be a mood-killer.

So ladies, if you're trying to seduce me with bacon, just keep it simple. Bacon-wrapped turducken for dinner, bacon apple pie for dessert, and a bacon martini afterwards. Now THAT'S how you get a man!