How the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles helped me.

Growing up, you probably pondered the question "Do I dream in color, or in black & white?" For most people, this is a difficult question to answer. You might remember a few hazy details from your dreams, or in the case of particularly good/bad dreams, a step-by-step description of what happened. The question of whether you dream in color or not still tends to stump many people. Not me.

One night, I had a dream involving the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. I'm not sure whether I had been watching the cartoon or playing one of the various video game spin-offs, but somehow they made it into my subconscious that night. I remember looking at one of them and saying, "Hi, Raphael!"

For those of you not completely familiar with the series -- there are really only two ways to recognize and distinguish the ninja turtles apart on sight alone. Their weapons and the color of their facemasks.

• Leonardo -- blue facemask, katanas
• Donatello -- purple facemask, bo staff
• Raphael -- red facemask, pair of sai
• Michaelangelo -- orange facemask, nunchuks

The ninja turtle that I introduced myself to DID NOT have any weapons visible. So clearly in my dream, I saw the red facemask and recognized him as Raphael. I now had proof that I could see in color.

The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles helped me in my hour of need. They can help you, too.

Pimpin' ain't easy... but it's hilarious!

I have always been taught that you should never, ever put your fellow improviser into a situation that forces spontaneity. Del Close was quoted in Truth in Comedy as saying that asking questions is the second worst thing an improviser can do. "In improvisation, when you ask a question, you are taking information away from your fellow player instead of adding information." When asked what the worst thing was that an improviser can do, Del opened an invisible book and said, "Here, read this out loud!"

I've always agreed 100% with this philosophy. That's the way I perform, and that's what I've taught to my students. Questions make me cringe.

Lately, though... I've been thinking about the exceptions to that rule. In 2007, I saw a group called "3 for All" (out of San Francisco) perform at the Black Box Improv Festival. They had been performing together for 20 years, and were absolutely fearless on stage together. If someone said, "Hey, sing us that song we like!" there wouldn't be a moment's hesitation on the other player's part. He'd jump right in and do it. We were all amazed.

I saw them as a group I could aspire to be like with 20 years of performing with the same people. Maybe by then, we could be less afraid to "break the rules" of improv together.

Then I started seeing a group called "The Improvised Shakespeare Company." Brilliant improv shows -- I have yet to be disappointed. Of course, it would have been a great improv show even without the Shakespearean dialogue. The fact that they can use the vernacular effortlessly makes the show brilliant.

One thing I realized as I watched their February 19th 10:30 show ("The Passion of Count Chocula") is that they're not afraid to set one another up for some forced spontaneity. Here's a paraphrased segment from that show.

Guard 1: "It's all part of the Chain of Life."
Guard 2: "Chain of Life? Sounds fascinating. Tell me all about it."
Guard 1: "Well, at the top you have God. Underneath him are the various angels."
Guard 2: "The cherubim."
Guard 1: "Right. The cherubim. And underneath them are all the magical creatures like the unicorns. Then underneath them is the King."
Guard 2: "I wonder... if a unicorn was to give an order, would the King have to follow it?"

(later...)

Guard 1: "Underneath us are the earthworms. And under them, there's only one thing."
Guard 2: "The devil. You know, it's sad to know that the only thing betwixt an Englishman and the devil is some earthworms."

Most beginner improvisers would be nervous and/or frustrated at Guard 2's first line in the above dialogue. Setting someone up like that (sometimes called "pimping out your fellow player") sounds like it could be disastrous for a scene. In this case, forcing someone to give a lengthy explanation to a concept turned out to be a very entertaining scene. In fact, it turned out to be a vital part of the plot (the unicorns were protecting the King, and made him impossible to assassinate).

As a group warmup, some improvisers do a round of "Top Five Things" (sometimes seven or even ten). One improviser provides a category for another improviser (i.e., "Breakfast cereals that haven't been invented yet."). That second improviser then has to come up with a list of items that fits into that category. The first few are the easiest to come up with. As it becomes more difficult to come up with new examples, the more ridiculous and entertaining it becomes. Same with compelling an improviser to give a lengthy explanation to a concept. The longer the train of thought continues, the more ridiculous and entertaining it becomes. Especially if the other improvisers on stage are listening well and can incorporate the ideas that are presented.

So does that mean it's okay to break The Rule? I still wouldn't recommend it for beginning improvisers. But as an improviser gets more comfortable on stage, and as a group becomes more playful together, sometimes you can put a player into a position where he or she is forced to do something spontaneous. It might even be a show highlight.

Flashback to the 80's: Bonkers Candy

I remember back when I was a little kid, I had gone to visit my grandmother in Cleveland, Ohio. My cousin A.J. and I would hang out a lot while I was there. Unfortunately, there was a neighbor's dog a few houses down from my grandmother that terrorized me. It would chase me down the sidewalk, and it had a knack for being able to get out of its leash. I seem to remember that it even snapped the chain it was on (though the neighbor kid may have actually unhooked it from the chain).

Granted, the dog never actually caught me or bit me. Little 5-year-old Dylan wasn't THAT fast of a runner -- not enough to get away from a dog if it meant business. I'm not sure what kind of dog it was, but even a basset hound probably would have terrified me at the time.

I had no idea how to defeat this archenemy of a canine. Like the kids vs. the dog in "The Sandlot," it managed to outmaneuver me at every opportunity. Until the fateful day I saw that commercial.

Bonkers Candy -- Bonks You Out!

At last! A way for my brains to overcome this dog's brawn! I would carefully lay a trap for this dog. I would lay a piece of Bonkers Candy out where the dog would find it. It would eat the candy, and a giant piece of fruit would fall from the sky and crush the dog! Foolproof!

But which fruit flavor do I choose? Strawberry? Orange? Grape? Sure, all flavors seemed capable of crushing the elderly (and disturbingly leaving them laughing underneath). But which would be best for a medium sized dog? A.J. and I debated this point for a while. We ruled out Grape, since it had too many small spaces between the individual grapes from where a dog could crawl out relatively unscathed. Then it would see us, rationalize that we were the cause of the devious plot on its life, and chase after us before we could reset the trap with another fruit flavor. So my cousin and I each got a pack, one getting Strawberry and the other getting Orange.

Of course, we had to test the effectiveness of our death trap first before putting our plan into action. Since we didn't want to potentially damage my grandmother's ceiling, we went out into the driveway. That way, large falling produce would not cause a whole lot of collateral damage. We each took one Bonkers Candy and ate one. We kept looking upwards for oversized projectile strawberries and oranges. Nothing happened. My cousin and I swapped packs and tried each other's death-from-above flavor. Again, nothing. Just a softer version of a Starburst, really.

We finished the candy, each of us less naive about how commercials lie about the homicidal/suicidal nature of candy products. Eventually, my family left for Virginia. I left my cousin behind to fend for himself against the dog.

Tongue Fu Master

So, tonight I showed my roommates the DVD of my improv intro student showcase. I myself hadn't seen it in its entirety since the night of the show (November 20th). Although I'm still very proud of the progress they made in just six weeks' worth of classes, one comment I heard (which I happen to agree with) is that many of the scenes started off with some kind of conflict. Both players had some kind of antagonistic viewpoint, and the scene turned into a battle of wills. Neither wanted to admit to the other that they were in the wrong. My roommate added, "How much more interesting would that scene have been if he had just said, 'Yep. I did it. I'm an idiot.'"

That launched the three of us into a discussion of why improvisers (not just intro students, mind you) tend to go for scenes with conflict. I stated that it's a natural tendency for anyone in a situation to go for the conflict. No one naturally wants to lose an argument in real life. Intentionally losing an argument is the unusual choice. Not being afraid to look foolish is the unusual choice. In improv, the unusual choice is what people want to see. An audience can see (or be a part of) an argument the other 166 hours of the week outside the theater. Give them what they don't expect.

When I was in the police academy, we were introduced to the concept of "verbal judo." Turns out that it operates on many of the same principles of improv comedy -- you defuse arguments by agreeing, rather than arguing, with another person.

Case in point -- Early in my career, I had arrested someone (I can't remember the charges or any of the circumstances leading up to the arrest). As I was taking him down to Booking, he started saying things to the effect of, "These cuffs gotta come off sometime. When they do... it's on!"

I know lots of officers that would have escalated the situation at this point. They would have riled up the arrestee by saying how they were martial arts experts (whether that's true or not), how they had all kinds of weapons ready on their utility belt, how they've taken down much bigger guys, how they'd have to be able to fight five cops at once down at booking, blah, blah, blah. None of that would have prevented a fight. In fact, it might have further convinced the guy to take a swing at the officer. Even if the officer "wins" the fight in the end, is it worth getting a tooth knocked out from a sucker punch?

Back to the original situation. What was my reaction to all this? "Well, man... you might just end up beating me. I'm just a big wuss." The guy in the back seat chuckled. He muttered a few times, "Heh. He says he's a big wuss." and things to that effect. But the fight was already taken out of him. He was right about one thing (which every cop needs to realize) -- the cuffs do have to come off at some point. Know what happened when they came off this time?

Nothing.

Could he have been bluffing? Maybe. Had enough time passed where he wasn't angry enough to fight? Possibly. I'll guarantee one thing -- not being afraid to "lose" an argument was the right choice. It was the unusual choice. It threw him for a loop, and took away a target for him to antagonize.

Why can't we as improvisers be as ready and even eager to "lose" an argument? It's not even YOU who loses the argument -- it's your CHARACTER. Who cares how foolish an imaginary character looks?

"You're a terrible boss to work for."
"Thank you. I try."

"I want a divorce."
"Way ahead of you. Got the paperwork ready for you to sign."

"You're fired!"
"Finally... I was beginning to think you hadn't noticed my shoddy work!"

Scenes don't have to turn into a 7-year-old squabble of "Did not!" "Did too!" "Are not!" "Are too!" "Nuh uh!" "Yuh huh!" Dare to be different. Lose the argument and see where it takes you.

Bad Pickup Lines

Happy Singles Awareness Day, everyone! If you happen to be a bitter single guy on this mush-fest of a holiday, try this exercise to make you feel better. Go out to a bar or nightclub. Have this pre-printed list of bad pickup lines along with you. Try as many as you can. Getting rejected can be fun, if you're actually trying to get rejected. If you can get a friend to surreptitiously videotape the reactions, so much the better.

1. Why don't you dump the hero and go with the zero?
2. Why go with the best when you can go with the rest?
3. Baby, if you were a booger, I would pick you first.
4. Want me to disappoint you?
5. Looking for your future ex-husband? Here I am!
6. Nice shoes... want to kick me in the shins?
7. How'd you like to spend the night watching me play first-person shooter games on the PlayStation 3?
8. I wish I was your derivative so that I could lie tangent to your curves.
9. Our love is like dividing by zero... you cannot define it.
10. Roses are #FF0000, Violets are #0000FF, All my base are belong to you.
11. You're so cute, you make my zygomatic muscles contract.
12. If I could rearrange the periodic table, I'd put Uranium and Iodine together.
13. Life without you is like a broken pencil. Pointless.
14. Simplify this equation: 2i <>
15. I'm attracted to you like the Earth is attracted to the Sun... with a large force inversely proportional to the distance squared.
16. YouTube MySpace and I'll Google your Yahoo.
17. Al Gore was wrong... the reason for global warming is YOU!
18. You're as sweet as 3.14.
19. You're a pile of dinosaur bones, baby. I dig you.
20. My love for you is like pi. Irrational and never-ending.
21. If you were a triangle, you'd be acute!
22. Want me to call you in the morning? (No.) Should I just nudge you, then?
23. I just pooped in my pants. Can I get into yours?
24. Got your tickets? To the gun show? (flex arms)
25. It's not my fault I fell in love. You tripped me.
26. My name is Justin. Justin Credible.
27. I can tell by the way you're ignoring me that you want me.
28. There's something wrong with my cell phone. It doesn't have your number in it!
29. Does your phone have GPS? 'Cause I got lost in your eyes.
30. My love is like a Toyota Prius. It just won't stop.
31. Someone farted. Let's get out of here.
32. Baby, you set your phaser to "stunning."
33. Your lips look so lonely. Would they like to meet mine?
34. I have an "owie" on my lip. Would you kiss it and make it better?
35. Do you have a Band-Aid? I scraped my knee falling for you.
36. Greetings and salivations.
37. I want you to have my children. Right now. They're waiting in the car.
38. Does this rag smell like chloroform?
39. Your place or my Mom's?
40. Your name must be Princess Leia, because you're looking for love in Alderaan places.
41. You sure have a good-looking tooth.
42. Let's make like fabric softener and Snuggle.

Hope this helps. Now go have fun.

I make a terrible woman.

Sigh... it never fails. For as long as I've been doing improv, I've failed miserably at portraying women. Everyone on stage with me (and probably in the audience) thinks I'm trying to play an effeminate male. Must be because I look so manly. That's what I'll keep telling myself, anyway.

After a while, I gave up on trying to use my feminine wiles. Oh, I still portray women when the improv scene calls for it. But I don't alter my voice or my body language. Intentionally. I just make sure to specifically mention in some way that I'm a woman. One of the bigger chuckles that I got from the audience was in the game "Musical Audition." Each auditionee has to stand up and introduce themselves. I simply stood up and said, "Hi, my name is Jennifer." No attempt at a high pitched voice or low sultry voice. Just my normal Dylan voice.

Hey, it works. Try it sometime.